Youth Chian Poetry Contest Winner

The winner of the 2943 Youth Chian Poetry Contest is a young man by the name of midk2000 currently schooling on Reisse, in the Rhetor system! Congratulations to all the...

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And We’re Back!

Due to eddies in the space-time continuum, we have been unable to communicate with Terran-based tithers for a short while. His Wholliness the Vice Pope is pleased to announce...

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From The Mouths Of Babes

Once a wise Chian wished to placate his child. “You can become anything you want, child. A president, a businessman, a Gallybagger. You can even race starships through the...

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On This Day in History

As we look back on the Highly Improbable events of 2910, most notably the Vanduul attack on the 42nd Squadron, it is important to remember our humble beginnings. Centuries ago,...

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Journal Entry #37

Thoughts of the Brain are experienced by us as arrangements and rearrangements – change – in a physical universe; but in fact it is really information and...

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Rule the First

Rule the First

Cheese is the Wholliest of foods. Few mortal men can fathom the mysteries of cheese-making, and – as is proper – cheese has it’s own furniture and flatware. Cheese is the sacrament. Cheese is a veritable mystery, and is part of the Wholly Taxonomy (Beer, Cheese, and Monkeys).

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Rule the Second

Rule the Second

Toenail clippers are an aberration and it is the solemn duty of all Chians to destroy toenail clippers wheresoever they find them. THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD NOT CUT YOUR TOENAILS. Use a knife, or hire someone to nibble them to the desired length. Scissors are also an option.

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Rule the Third

Rule the Third

The Wholly Day in the Chian life is not actually a whole day. The Chian Holy Day begins at sunset on Wednesday as measured on your nearest single star planet, and ends at sunrise on Thursday.

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Chians Say the Darnedest Things

Clarity

Klaato, Barada, Aejibo.

My Voluntary Testimonial

My Voluntary Testimonial

Edouard Dufrane

First I would like ot state I am not under duress of any kind. My name is Edouard Dufrane and I am pleased to be writing a testimonial to say how good it feels to tithe. I am currently peing visited by a Gallybagger Tithe Adjuster. I am extremely happy to ellow his crew to take just over three percent of my cargo in a systematic fashion. I am 100% fine with this. In the name of Havarti, the Bun, and the Wholly Toast.

Aejibo! (Customer Testimonial)

Aejibo! (Customer Testimonial)

Mark Jones

I was running some ore from Magnus II, some of the deepest stretches of nothingness known to man. I hadn’t paid my tithes in a while, and I was starting to worry. Amazingly, a very friendly Gallybagger Tithe Adjuster pinged me just as I was leaving Borea, he boarded, relieved me of 3.14% of my cargo and left without breaking any of my navigation instruments. Thanks for the great service!

Chians Say the Darnedest Things

Chians Say the Darnedest Things

Der Kopfsammler

Goats are like crippled mushrooms, if you sneeze on a goose, I’m afraid of toasters.

CHians Say the Darnedest Things

Gorlocke

The question of volume or lack thereof is not to be taken lightly, my friend. If one may seek to maximize surface area, and thus interaction between cheese and tongue, one need only look to mathematics to discover that, spherically speaking, volume increaseth at a rate one order of magnitude greater than that of surface area. This may lead to one’s natural conclusion that in a limited cheese-space, minimization of (w)hollines leads to a maximization of taste…

To that I say, be not so quick in thine conclusions! This way lies madness…

One cannot be so shortsighted as to overlook the importance, the nigh paramountcy, of smelliness. It is well known, but perhaps not as well known to some, that smell accounts for much of that which wouldth otherwise be attributed to taste. So, then, shan’t smell retention be that quality made most paramount? And what then of the smell-retention qualities of the aforementioned (w)holes? Shall we not therefore seek to maximizeth volume such that each bite be accompanied by gradual release of smelly goodness, and consequent flavor? But then, in maximization, does one not then forego the very material which hath produced such quantities of smelly goodness in the first place?

Such is the quandary of the wholly ratio. Pondering of the perfect proportion of porosity hath led many a poor soul to psychosis. Nevertheless, we must continue to pursue that which we may never truly understand, for to do anything else would be to do nothing.

Aejibo!

Chians Say the Darnedest Things

Clarity

♫Una poca de gracia
Para mi, mara ti, ay Aejibo, ay Aejibo
Ay, Aejibo, Aejibo
Por ti sere, por ti seae, por ti sere♫

Chians Say the Darnedest Things

HardyHero

I was thinking about the concomitant factor NOON.
If you imagine the reverse of a common vector cheese, come to the conclusion that the higher intrinsic improbability is exactly the reverse logarithmic array of the same cheese!
Ok, you may be saying that this is obvious.
But … if you look at the amount of existing holes in cheese and variants cross with space time, you will see that to have more holes in cheese is REQUIRED to have more cheese. However, when you have more cheese, more holes you have … and the more holes, the less cheese you have.
Concomitantly, the more cheese you have, less cheese you have.
Or not.
The important thing is that concomitantly.
Or not.

Chians Say the Darnedest Things

Chians Say the Darnedest Things

LuckyDevil

As we approach the annual festival of Holywennie at the end of this month, let us reflect on its origins.

Originally called Sammich-hain by ancient cheesemongers from the Vega system, it is a festival celebrating the end of the season of plenty and the shortened days of winter.
As we know shortened days lead to getting up later, which is a natural cause to celebrate.
Having more night time hours and increasingly colder temperatures helped the ancients maximize their GTQ.
Originally the Sammich-hain (the name for Ham N Cheese Sammich in the ancient dialect) was the staple food for celebrations, for its portability and the fact that it left one hand free for other activities.

The current tradition of dressing in outlandish costumes was also an early feature of the celebration. It served two-fold purpose in those far-gone days.

Women, tired of the nightly attentions of their spouses frequently dressed as “hags” or “crones” in order to get a break.
Later, as the bacchanal aspect of the celebration took over, everyone began to disguise themselves so that they could act lasciviously without fear of reprisal from angry spouses. It provided a measure of plausible deniability, “I was deceived, Honey!” became an all-too-familiar trope. This ancient vernacular expression is most typically translated as “I was Tricked my Treat”, which is largely accepted as the source of todays oft-chanted phrase. Because of the exceedingly robust enthusiasm for this festival on its home planet in the Vega system, many tourists began to travel there to participate. This inspired the expression “What goes on Vega, Stays on Vega”

Along with this tradition of dressing up to disguise oneself from/for a significant other, the giving of snack foods became a hand-in-hand tradition. Originally a bribe (if the disguise didn’t work) it was also adopted as an incentive to encourage licentious behavior. Often Sausages (for their phallic implications) were used to entice disguised revelers into a tryst. This is widely accepted as the reason for the name change from Sammich-Hain to Holyweenie.

Soon younger and younger civilians began to participate, as a way of gathering tasty snacks. Grabbing the foodstuffs and running off. (Some scholars also identify this as another possible source of the phrase “she tricked my treat”, but we will leave that argument to the linguists)
Thus, the ribald nature of HolyWeenie slowly gave way to the innocuous celebration of today.
So, remember your Good Time Quotient on this the Wholyiest of Snack-days. and get out there, dress funny and be generous with your finest meats and cheeses!
In The name of the Profit and the Wholly Toast.
Aejibo!

Chians Say the Darnedest THings

Chians Say the Darnedest THings

The_ADVERSARY

Cry ‘Aejibo!’, and let slip the Humboldt Fogs of War.

Together in Crust.

Chians Say the Darnedest Things

Revenant

Even as mankind left Terra to find that the Moon was indeed Delicious, the centuries old debate on whether it was composed of Wensleydale or Stilton was of little matter in the end. In that moment they looked to each other in Wholly wonder, for each smelt it in kind, despite the vacuum of the firmament about them. And to each of them it was as if his favorite board was there assembled – Camemberts, cheddars, bleus and bries, delights beyond count – a heavenly multitude for the enjoyment of Creation. Their hunger temporarily sated, they turned their eyes to the Outer Stars and wondered what delectations might await them Beyond.

Aejibo they cried, my friends, and it echoes yet here among us even as the Bang echoes yet among the stars. If the tithe is what enables the furthering of so noble a quest, blessed is he who collects.

Together in Crust.

Chians Say the Darnedest Things

Solomon Cristatus

Contemplating the meaning of the unknown’s knowable attributes often yields attributable attributes that are knowably identified as attributable to the unknowns knowns, thus causing the unknown no longer to be unknown, but rather, known. Hence the origin of the known term defining unknowable attributes commonly known to those in the know as aejibo (to those not in the know, the term is usually attributed as an unknown exclamation of gibberish, generally known to be proclaimed in the face of difficult unknowns).

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